Love Is Eternal  / Babamadis Migwan Ikwe

Aanii Nina & John, even Niboowin cannot separate the Zahgidiwin you have for each other, Babamadis Migwan Ikwe

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god bless  / Connie Aunt 2. Angel Sammy Pepe
To Amber and her family- I came upon this website as I have a website for my nephew who also took his life at the age of 19 on the first day of summer June 21, 2003.  Like your beautiful brother my nephew Sammy was a free spirit and full of life, he had many friends and a family that loved him dearly.  I understand your grief completely as a sister as I also lost my brother to suicide on May 1, 1979 - he was 22 years old.  My brother was and is my hero. He survived so much before taking his own life.  My nephew was like my 2nd son.  We were extremely close and talked about everything but unfortunately I must have had my eyes closed because I did not see this coming. After 4 years I am still grieving like it was yesterday. 

Your angel is gorgeous, I have tears in my eyes from seeing his pictures. What a smile - what a heavenly angel. 

God bless you and your family

Connie

http://sammypepe.memory-of.com Close

Miss you  / Jamie (Friend)
John,
The three year anniversary of your death is approaching and I can feel it in the air. The subtle change in weather brings me back to that day. It’s hard to put into words the way I feel other than to say it is just so overwhelming. I’m so grateful to have had you in my life and at the same time so filled with pain. I still remember the first day we met. I instantly loved you and knew you would be a special friend in my life. I remember feeling completely comfortable being my goofy self around you and how much fun we had. Being around you made ordinary days extraordinary. Trips to the mall became adventures. Walks in the park became journeys. Nights out on the town became nights I will never forget. It’s hard to talk about you without sounding as if I’m exaggerating but it’s all so true. Your light shined on everyone around you and I could see parts of myself shining through that would normally remain hidden. I miss all the fun and even some of the drama. I miss the obnoxious sound of your laughter which was almost as bad as mine… and the combination of our laughter was something horribly great :) I loved that fact that you weren’t “too cool” to sing karaoke with me or sit at Starbucks and gossip. When I was around you, your energy transferred to me and suddenly combined with coffee, I hardly slept, and who would want to? I might have missed out on one of those crazy days or crazy nights. It’s crazy because all of the sudden I’ve known you in death longer than in life and I just can’t seem to purge all of these feelings and for the most part I don’t even want to. Some days it feels like and dull ache. Some days it’s a stabbing, throbbing pain. Some days I find myself randomly laughing out loud thinking of a funny memory that we shared. Everyday I am thankful for all the good times and good memories and just having been able to experience your friendship which was truly one of a kind. You were truly one of a kind. As your “anniversary” approaches, I promise that I will try my hardest not to focus on the sadness. I want to celebrate your life because that’s what you would have wanted. I love you, John. I miss you. I think about you all the time. Until we meet again… One. xoxo Jamie
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Just saying hello  / Gina Perez Webb ((just visiting) )
I saw an entry from Nina Fernandes on Wesley McGoldrick's memorial site.  I share the same name as his (Wes) mom and have built a good relationship online with her.  My son suffers from bipolar disorder and many other diagnosis.  He struggles everyday and through the connection of our names we were able to connect and share our stories.  I pray that I never endure the pain that your family or Gina's family has endured.  I will keep you in my prayers! Close

My Condolences  / Caroline Paton Scotland/uk (Visitor)
May the East fling open your windows,
and fill your rooms with air;
May the South send you strong sunshine,
and give you the strength to dare;
May the West wash rivers into your heart,
and oceans into your soul,
May the North share the secrets and gifts of the earth,
to heal and make you whole.
Blessed Be.

My Brother left this world by his own hands 5yrs ago
he was 33yrs old. A kindred spirit I can only offer my condolences. Close

Friend of Nina and Tevas  / Brooke Montana
Nina, you gave me so much strenghth in the short amount of time we knew each other, not even knowing we would soon share this painful bond. I will always be grateful for your friendship. There is not a night that goes by that I don't hold you, Tevas and your son in my thoughts. I'm sure you've had a similar conversation with your "little angel".

Talking to My Angel

Christain, the time I rocked you on me knee
Was much shorter than that time should be
But inside my heart I still rock on
And treasure you as my darling son
Not a day passes when I don't think of you . . .

Oh Mommy I love you, I hear your prayers
I sit beside your bed and stroke your hair
Holding your hand I watch you sleep
My face cuddles close against your cheek
Not a night passes where I'm not with you . . .

My sweet son I only wish we had shared more joys
More birthday presents and Christmas toys
I feel in my life there has been an empty place
Because I could not stare into my little boy's face
There's not a morning I don't cry missing you . . . 

Mommy I have seen you shed your tears
I have watched you struggle these last three years
Don't you realize I have always been there
Those Christmas's and birthday's we DID get to share
God sent me in many ways . . .
In your heart you know this to be true . . .

Yes my Christian dear, I know it's true
I have felt you in many ways
Yet I still feel cheated at losing you
At such an early age . . .
Is that wrong of me?

No mommy, I understand . . .
Just let me say this . . .
Sweet mother, my mother whom I love and adore
I shall stand by your side forevermore
As you fight depression from taking your strength
My hands will hold you steady in place
All you need do is think my name
Or better yet sing to yourself our "Cozy Bear" song 
The one you used to sing to me in your arms when I cried
As you start to sing, I'll join in
We will share our special song once again
But instead of it being my tears that you dry
It will be your pain that will soon subside
Just as you can count on my brother Nick 
You can always close your eyes and think of me
I will come close and embrace you . . . 
Mommy you have my spirit, my heart, my strength to live on .
Just as you mom live on inside of me . . .
Now smile . . .
I love you! 

I love you too my sweet angel.
Christian Montana August 11, 1994-September 21, 2003

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My condolences to you  / Connie (none)
To the family of John - I wanted to offer you my condolences at the passing of this beautiful young man.  I know too well about suicide. My brother took his life in 1979.  He also mentioned suicide to us on more than one occassion but none of us took him seriously as he seemed to always "bounce" back the next day. When he did take his life it devasted all of us.  On June 21, 2003 my nephew took his life at the age of 19.  There were no signs of depression with my nephew and he never talked about suicide.  

Its devastating to lose a child under any circumstance, but suicide leaves you with the question "why" and "what if I had done more".  

My heart goes out to all of the family of John. 

God bless you all

Connie - Sammy's aunt - http://sammypepe.memory-of.com Close

Son's ANGEL FRIEND  / Marvin Hardin (Son's ANGEL Friend )
John, I hope you have met my Son and the two of you are catching some big fish, Know that you will always be LOVED!!!!!and REMEMBERED Marvin Sr.Pop of Marvin JR.(Marvo) Close

you will always be remembered...  / Peggy Bolling (Aunt)

Sue, my heart is with you..... love you.. Aunt Peg

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Gone to soon  / Marco Spoon
I never me john, but i feel as thou i know him. His mom and i discussed him often. I only wish i could have spoken to him in person. He and I shared the same love for music. I hate i never got a chance to work with him on a song. I know he's making a great song right now.

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John is walking on streets of gold, in heaven, in all his glory  / Aunt To Tina Passerby
  Dear Nina, thank you for your kind words. at the site for my precious neice Tina, take comfort in knowing, John, is walking on streets of gold, in heaven, in all his glory, I was so thankful that you understand ,  alot of people don't understand the pain, that one goes through with this illness called depression, and the pain it leaves behind to the ones that have to go on, only God knows a preson's heart, Tina loved the Lord, i have had some people try and break my spirit, but i know what God's word says, we must look at the soliders of the bibical days, at war they took their lives, because they could not bear it, and God's word tells us, they went to be with the Lord, King David, had a man killed for a woman, what did God say about David, [he said David, was a man after his, [God's] heart, Paul, killed christians, before he saw the light of the Lord, i know Tina, and John, are in glory, God knows a preson can have a deadly diease of the mind, just as they can have a deadly diease of the body, people come to Tina's site, and say i know it had to be a hard choice, for Tina to take her life, Tina, didn't make a choice, she had no choice, she was very ill, and at that moment not thinking in her right frame of mind, so we are never to judge, God said i will have mercy on whom i will have mercy on, and i know God had mercy on John, and Tina, we will see them again, in glory, until that day, God Bless, and Take Care....  Close

Christmas 2005  / Gina/Wesleys Mum
I just want you to know, John, that I am thinking about you and your family over the holidays in particular. Wish you could be here to share them with us.....wish my son, Wesley could be here to share then with us too.....
Hope all you angels have a peaceful christmas.
All my love to you and my Wes, 
Gina xx Close

Thinking of you;  / Patti:... Momma To Seth... (no relation )
Wanted to let your family know that I am thinking of them and all the other families like us that have lost our children.This time of year is especially hard for me as I imagine it is for your family.Feel free to contact me if you need to talk,I will gladly lend a shoulder as we all need them to deal with our losses.Sending much love your way and hopes that your holiday goes smoothly.Merry Christmas.Patti(momma to Seth) Close

I CRY FOR YOU...  / Melissa Smith Blakemoore.memory-of----.com (none)

AND I CRY WITH YOU

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These last months...  / Nina (Mom)
December 2005
We were in the 1st days of recovery from Hurricane Wilma when Matt's 1st anniversary arrived. What a dreaded day - but it was not as I feared. I so dreaded reliving every moment of that day. But I was so busy, trying to run a company in spite of the challengesof the hurricane. We had  no electricity or A/C or water,not to mention phonelines, cable and you guessed it - no internet - I couldn't even light a candle that day. I was most upset by that, and knowing that not only I could not but that many of those closest to Matt would also not be able to come here. Know that the absence of candles on his anniversary was not an oversight, he was in our thoughts.

The days were extremely busy and left little time to focus or get pulled into the gnawing pain that we wear like a 2nd skin. Life around us is better now, but reminders of the storm are everywhere as there is still much damage to be repaired.

Then there was Thanksgiving, and we just stayed busy. We enjoyed the feast day, being together - Tevas and Mark, Amber and Jay, and and later Rainn and Jason. It was different, being the 2nd Thanksgiving. Not so painful as that 1st one, only a few weeks after, but still different. Maybe we allow ourselves to think about missing him more when it's a special day, because really everyday is different since losing him. They always will be, because they can not be the same, because he will not be with us here again. Lessons learned.

We miss him at dinners and movies and the mall. We miss him in the evenings when he isn't stessing about what to wear and what matches his shoes and how late he is going to be, because there are never enough mirrors to be sure that the "look" is right. We miss his smile and his laugh. We just miss him.

I wonder that it is so often unspoken now, like we all know and don't need to say it aloud. We still speak about him in the regular course of our days, but it's different now. Maybe this is acceptance.

Christmas is only a few days away. We haven't quite been able to bring out those decorations, maybe Christmas Eve this time. Or maybe not. I'm not sure yet. One thing we have learned well on this grieving path is that we have to be patient with ourselves and allow ourselves to distance or grieve or just cry when we need to. We will not push, we have learned more to allow ourselves to "coast" when things start to get pressing. And the holidays are pressing. But not so much as last year.

I am so glad that all the FIRSTS are over. Yet, I find myself marking them now as the 2nd. I wonder that next year will begin the 3rds. It's almost like a reminder of that bridge between the before and the after. Like BC. Life as I knew it, ended when we lost him and a new life began. A new life with a son who will be forever 23.

It's a different life. I can't say it's horrible - I have 2 daughters that I love dearly and they are happy. I share a timeless love with a wonderful man who is my forever. I am blessed with good friends. Obviously not a horrid life - but it is different. It always will be. Perhaps this is more acceptance.

But I miss him. I miss my son. If I lost a hand or a foot, I could get a prosthesis. But no prosthesis will replace my son. Nothing and no one can ever replace him. We will forever miss him forever and we will love him beyond that.

But we will continue to put one foot in front of the other - and stay away from the ledge. We must learn to go forward without him beside us. This is our destiny.

Son, I know you are helping us - don't stop now - we need your strength. Love you much always.

For all who visit here, please light a candle for him and for us. And thank you.

Wishing you all fair winds and a peaceful night... and a Merry Christmas and most of all a blessed and Happy New Year.

Nina

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