These last months...  / Nina (Mom)
December 2005
We were in the 1st days of recovery from Hurricane Wilma when Matt's 1st anniversary arrived. What a dreaded day - but it was not as I feared. I so dreaded reliving every moment of that day. But I was so busy, trying to run a company in spite of the challengesof the hurricane. We had  no electricity or A/C or water,not to mention phonelines, cable and you guessed it - no internet - I couldn't even light a candle that day. I was most upset by that, and knowing that not only I could not but that many of those closest to Matt would also not be able to come here. Know that the absence of candles on his anniversary was not an oversight, he was in our thoughts.

The days were extremely busy and left little time to focus or get pulled into the gnawing pain that we wear like a 2nd skin. Life around us is better now, but reminders of the storm are everywhere as there is still much damage to be repaired.

Then there was Thanksgiving, and we just stayed busy. We enjoyed the feast day, being together - Tevas and Mark, Amber and Jay, and and later Rainn and Jason. It was different, being the 2nd Thanksgiving. Not so painful as that 1st one, only a few weeks after, but still different. Maybe we allow ourselves to think about missing him more when it's a special day, because really everyday is different since losing him. They always will be, because they can not be the same, because he will not be with us here again. Lessons learned.

We miss him at dinners and movies and the mall. We miss him in the evenings when he isn't stessing about what to wear and what matches his shoes and how late he is going to be, because there are never enough mirrors to be sure that the "look" is right. We miss his smile and his laugh. We just miss him.

I wonder that it is so often unspoken now, like we all know and don't need to say it aloud. We still speak about him in the regular course of our days, but it's different now. Maybe this is acceptance.

Christmas is only a few days away. We haven't quite been able to bring out those decorations, maybe Christmas Eve this time. Or maybe not. I'm not sure yet. One thing we have learned well on this grieving path is that we have to be patient with ourselves and allow ourselves to distance or grieve or just cry when we need to. We will not push, we have learned more to allow ourselves to "coast" when things start to get pressing. And the holidays are pressing. But not so much as last year.

I am so glad that all the FIRSTS are over. Yet, I find myself marking them now as the 2nd. I wonder that next year will begin the 3rds. It's almost like a reminder of that bridge between the before and the after. Like BC. Life as I knew it, ended when we lost him and a new life began. A new life with a son who will be forever 23.

It's a different life. I can't say it's horrible - I have 2 daughters that I love dearly and they are happy. I share a timeless love with a wonderful man who is my forever. I am blessed with good friends. Obviously not a horrid life - but it is different. It always will be. Perhaps this is more acceptance.

But I miss him. I miss my son. If I lost a hand or a foot, I could get a prosthesis. But no prosthesis will replace my son. Nothing and no one can ever replace him. We will forever miss him forever and we will love him beyond that.

But we will continue to put one foot in front of the other - and stay away from the ledge. We must learn to go forward without him beside us. This is our destiny.

Son, I know you are helping us - don't stop now - we need your strength. Love you much always.

For all who visit here, please light a candle for him and for us. And thank you.

Wishing you all fair winds and a peaceful night... and a Merry Christmas and most of all a blessed and Happy New Year.

Nina

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My prayers are with you  / Gina/Wesleys Mum
Dearest Nina, and all John family,

I was so sorry to learn of you losing John, such a handsome man, and, like my son, Wesley, also too young to have gone and left us.
I just hope and pray that we will all be able to get through the holidays. This is my first christmas without him (Wesley took his life on 19th April 2005) so I imagine that it will be especially hard.
Please know that I will keep John in my prayers, just as I do Wesley, and I will be thinking of you all over the christmas holidays.
With all my love Gina xx  Close

THINKING OF YOU SWEET JOHN! LOVE & CARE THIS SEASON & ALWAYS!  / Jane Einarson (I care )
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Blessings & care John  / Jane Einarson (I care )
Hi sweet John, Thinking about you & your special family this season & always. I pray that it is peaceful & gentle. You will all be in my thoughts & prayers. God Bless. Love & respect XXXOOO Close

John is still making a difference...thought you should know  / Doug Daniels
Ive sat here debating on whether to leave a message on this memorial site fearing i might be intruding but it has touched me in such a profound way im gonna take that risk.  I happened upon this memorial while creating one for a friend of mine who passed away 7 years ago this february.  As i sit here wiping away the tears for someone i never knew and listen to his music i am so moved by his talent and his love shown by his family and friends.  i guess i just wanted you all to know that even though John has been gone for over a year now....he is still making an impact on people he never even knew.  That in and of itself should tell you how special he was and still is.  Please forgive me for the intrusion but i was compelled to tell all of you that knew and loved John that his spirit still lives not only in the memories of those who knew him but also in those that didnt have the pleasure.  May God bless you all. Close

Sweet handsome John  / Jane Einarson (I care )
I am so sorry for your heartache & pain with losing your dear John. He is such a handsome young man. He will stay in my thoughts & heart.
Sadly I travel this journey with you. I lost my Matthew on December 1/2003. I was overwhelmed at how much John reminded me of Matthew.
Blessings & care, Jane (Matthew's Mom)
http://matthew-einarson.memory-of.com Close

I am so sorry for your loss-  / Patti Porter (none-lost my son also )
John is  a handsome young man,and your loss is great! I have no magic words to offer you just know I am with you in thoughts and prayers.No family should have to endure this pain! If you want to contact me feel free to do so as my son was a victim to suicide.Sometimes talking with another that has had the same type loss can help.With much love Patti
      http://seth-montgomery.memory-of.com Close

MY CHILD  / SELMA FLYNN(POMC) BOBBO.MEMORY-OF.COM (FRIEND)
"MY child On the day God took you I thought that I would die I wondered where the time went? I asked alot of whys?? With people all around me I felt alone inside From all their words of comfort, I couldn't seem to hide, I thought I might be dreaming That I'd wake and find you here, I thought "This can't be happening." As I wiped another tear. On the day that you were laid to rest My heart broke yet again, I wondered if the pain would end, But mostly, I wondered when?? It's hard to be without you, At times the days seem long, Sometimes I just sit crying, When there's really nothing wrong. I wish we'd had more time, Before your life was done. I hope your resting peacefully, My precious child, Close

I love your page  / Michelle Drummond
I really enjoyed your page. I made a page for my sister, Heather, who passed away this year, but i dont know how to make it cool like this one. I also enjoyed it because my dad loves guitars and he passed away 2 years ago so it reminds me of him. I know your pain and i understand the feelings you experience, so your defintely not alone. God bless you. Close

sorry to the family and may god guide you  / Kylie
Hello from australia,

Tonight I was looking at web sites and this web site just popped up out of the blue in the search engines. I began to read it and it really struck my heart and I could understand and feel your saddness and all the events that happened and a few similarities. I have just returned from an overseas trip back to Australia to bury my little brother Grant, of which is 30.

He had many years of pain, sadness, suicide attempts, confusion, depression, and many terrible set backs in his life, but he was a young man with spirit, and had more lives and rebounds than a cat with 9 lives, and enjoyed things like the beach, scateboarding, motorbikes, sunbaking, chasing girls, bowling, movies.

Our family is also feeling immense pain and loss, as he was the only son, there is only the two of us, so now I have no brothers or sisters.
 
But we comfort that he may now be at peace and not have some of the pain and problems that seemed to emerge every now and then and overwhelm him.

Your story was interesting about going back on the journey to the grandfathers, and special ceremony, as the night before I lost my brother I was in San Antonio Texas and sitting at a restaurant on the river, and could feel my 2 deceased grandmothers close to me, and they said
" Do not worry as now we will take over and your brother will be free from pain", I turned around and no one was there, but I felt them very very close to me, at that time i knew he had died.

I called home but no one answered mobiles or landlines.

The time difference in Australia is about 12- 15 hours ahead, and when I returned to Sugarland Texas there was a message for me to call home urgently.

When I got hold of my family they told me my brother had passed away a few hours ago. So although I have never heard about your customs, and how the indians/ tribal people prepare for the journey to the grandparents, my experience tells me that our grandparents/ family watch for us and wait for our journey to them.

Another interesting thing is the day and time of burial, I was in Nicaragua in a remote area, and it was approx 4am and 1pm in Australia the time of the funeral. I was awoken in my sleep with the bed flying around the room in darkness, I didnt know what to think or do, or what was happening as the bed was moving, cupboards, all in darkness.
I felt my grandmothers on the bed and they said " Now is the time, we are here for you, do not be afraid" then the room was deadly quiet.

Then I heard everyone in the street crying and screaming, and went outside to learn that an earthquake had started at 4am- 4.10am, and the local people said that they believe when this happens god is very close to them and showing them things that cannot be explained with nature.

Although I am over the other side of the world, I share your pain and deep sadness for your loss and wish you strength.

Regards

Kylie
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Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk  / Mom
Tomorrow night, Saturday July 16th, 2005; there will be a special walk in Chicago. Matt's photo ("How could you not love this face?") and a copy of Amber's Memoir about his ceremony, will be included in the memory tent by the Unbroken Chain team.  The 20-mile overnight walk will begin and end with special ceremonies and the walkers are volunteers. You can read more about this organization at www.theovernight.org .   

Wishing you fair winds and a peaceful night. Close

July 4th, 2005  / Mom
Anyone that knew my son knew his love for music and for performing. In the last months, we have kept his recordings close to us. I can not explain why, except that they are him. We miss him so much and I can only say that I was not ready to share his closest prides with more than a few. He left us many recordings, and books of lyrics. 

July 4th was one of Matt's favorite holidays. It was an *at home holiday* - as opposed to NY's Eve which was away.  Last July 4th, we were together... probably 25-30 guests - and he was the charming host. Whether chatting or laughing or playing dominoes - he was the star of the day. Some of my friends, meeting him for the first time, were so taken by his charm - genuine and loving and considerate.  Laughing and happy, smiling like he had no worries.

We did not know it would be our last 4th together, I wish we had taken pictures. But as this 4th approaches, I want to share his music with all of you.  His music was his soul, his thoughts, it was everything to him.  I added some of them to his Memorial tonight.  When you listen, please know that he worked for hours on every single recording - until he got it right for him. 

We love him and miss him and now it is time to share his music. We will not have our usual July 4th this year, because he was so much a part of it last year that we can only celebrate quietly.. thinking of him. 

Hugs and love to all.

Nina Close

to his family.. thank u  / Rainn
u guys have been there for me more than i can ask for.  i love all of u and am very thankful to have such understanding people in my life.  it's been almost 8 months and i am still dealing with the shock of knowing he is truely gone. i don't need to tell u how much i love him 'cause i know u already know.  he was everything to me when he was here and he is what makes me fight harder than ever before now that he is gone.  i miss him, u know i do.  i know u guys worry about me and i love u for it, but i just want u to know everyday I WILL GET THROUGH... i love u and thank u for being so true!!! Close

i love u...this was for u ..but i never got the chance to give it to u  / Rainn
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We miss him  / Diane Peagler (none)

I am really sorry for your loss. I know what yall are going through, because I am going through the samething. I lost my couisn Jaime Sweatman Oct. 9, 2004 and it has been really hard for me. She just turned 16 10 days before she died. She ment the world to everyone and I know your son, friend. cousin ment the world to yall. I know he was a wonderful person just like Jaime. They were both so talented and were filled with such hopes and dreams. They will be missed forever. He will be in my heart and the heart of others forever and we will get to see him and her again one day. This is what Jaime said," Look to God for guidence and I want to see you all again." Same for him. Look to him for guidence and he wants to see you all again one day.Yall are in my prayers. I am very sorry for your loss.
With an aching heart,
Diane

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